Sleeping with the Enemy:Robin's are such Manwhores
by Shenlong7
Summary: Chaos enters the Robin's lives as they find out about Jason and Talia. How will it affect their love lives? Damien is going to need some mind soap. Might seem or be cracked, though it's all in general fun. Now rated M for swearing and references to..things. Please read and review.
1. Chapter 1

Sleeping with the Enemy

Or Robins are such man-whores

Disclaimer: I do not own Batman, Batman is owned by DC Comics and Bob Kane's estate I guess. Please support the official release by buying Batman, Batman and Robin and Red Hood and the Outlaws.

Author's note: This was an idea that just popped into my head while reading a fic by Silver Spider called Seperation Anxiety which will not have this humor. You see I remembered that Jason slept with Talia and well here you have it.

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><p>It had been almost a year since Bruce had brought Jason in, all beaten and bloodied from an encounter with Deathsroke that neither had anticipated. Jason was responding to someone messing around the harbor, his territory, and Batman was responding to a call of a disturbance on the police scanner. Little did they know that it was a fight between the League of Shadows and Deathstroke over a certain artifact that the World's greatest mercenary had been contracted to get. Jason had gone in guns blazing though he was mostly firing at the mercenaries that were under Deathstroke's orders instead of the League members, something that Batman wondered about but kept in the back of his mind. The fight had ended with Deathstroke being victorious and with Jason on near death's door. Bruce had taken him back to the manor, to the place that had been his home and nursed him back to help. All the Robins had assisted in doing so, even Damien though he constantly remarked how this would probably come back to bite them all in the ass before Alfred took away his cookie privileges for a day for using swear words.<p>

When Jason did wake up he was greeted by the very same family that he had been fighting against waiting to support him. All that warmth that he had been missing in his life ever since he had died was right there staring him in the face and Jason did what anyone would do in his position, confused and emotionally weary, he cried. For all the pride that he had and how much he fought not to show weakness in front of those he strived to prove his dominance to. For the first time, every Robin finally saw Jason for what he was, the lost boy who had been searching for safe and warmth. In the end, they had finally accepted him back provided that he never kills again. Unfortunately none of them were prepared for the atomic fuck bomb that was about to drop and change the way the Robin's viewed themselves.

It all begin with a letter arriving for Jason Todd signed by Talia al Ghul herself and imprinted with the official stamp of the League of Shadows. Of course, Jason didn't get up before noon stating that he spent time meditating to get his mind right which meant he liked to sleep in now that he didn't have to keep his drug dealers in line with threats of blowing off something that they would miss dearly. This meant that the first people to see the note were Alfred, who brought the note in and set it on the kitchen table for the other Robin's to see. Damien was the first rising the earliest because of his League of Shadows training and when he first saw the letter he suspected Jason of having some secret dealings with the League of Shadows behind their backs and woke up his other brothers. Dick was the first he got, who was oddly enough cuddling up to what at first Damien thought was a Batman stuffed toy but to his further shock it was a Batgirl plushie except the costume was like the one that Barbara Gordon wore.

"Grayson…why in the name of god are you sleeping with that thing," asked Damien as he gave one of his looks that bordered on curiosity to find out more and fear of finding out more.

"I don't question you about that Robin plushie you sleep with," retorted Dick without batting an eye, but he was certainly going to have to rethink the plushie.

"That…no such thing exists in my bed," replied Damien defensively as a blush reached his face, for once the assassin prodigy seemed dumbfounded. "Or in my…ownership!"

"Right now there has got to be a reason why you came here besides to watch me sleep," asked Dick as he set the plushie behind him before getting a very mischievous look on his face that Damien definitely didn't like the looks of. "Did you get scared in the middle of the night and come to sleep next to your big brother? You don't have to be ashamed, lots of kids get scared, that's what older brothers are for."

"Grayson, first of all, I am seriously considering smothering with your pillow right now," said Damien as he crossed to the window and opened the blinds to let in sunlight. "Second, it's morning."

"Oh god, natural light," cried Dick in mock agony before Damien tried to kick him out of bed. Dick, even half asleep, was fast enough to dodge the blow and roll out of bed.

"I called you because Todd has a letter from my mother."

That got Dick's attention and his smirk dropped as his face became serious. "Wake up Tim and meet me downstairs."

Damien found that Tim was also getting up early and showering when Damien had reached the door. Oddly enough he started to hear something that sounded like singing, but strangely enough it sounded like the person who was singing was Tim. To make it even odder, the teen was singing some strange pop song that could easily be in those animes that Tim had claimed he didn't watch even though every Titan he had talked to had admitted that Tim had gotten hooked on such things after spending time with the late Teen Titan member Bushido. At first Damien figured that he should record this moment and use it for a ring tone just to embarrass Drake, but he decided that it would be unnecessarily cruel and decided to just make his presence known. He snuck into the bathroom without his older brother knowing and cleared his throat, enjoying the sight of Tim jumping up to the ceiling like he had spider powers before covering up as much of his body as he could.

"Damien, what the hell, ever heard of knocking," he asked.

"Sorry, it was too good to resist," replied Damien as he let an amused expression cross his face. "By the way, there is a pressing matter concerning are second oldest brother and my mother, we're meeting downstairs, sans Todd. Do hurry up with your concert."

"I'm going to make pancakes out of you when I get out of here you sick little troll," threatened Tim as he quickly got out of the shower and got dressed. He stormed downstairs to find Dick and Damien sitting at the table, Damien having a sour face on probably because Dick didn't allow him any coffee. "Where's the pancake mix, I'm turning the brat into breakfast!"

"I do hope that you won't resort to cannibalism and fratricide(murder of a brother)," said Alfred as he set out another delicious looking breakfast in front of Tim's spot. "Though it is odd to see you all up so early, especially you Master Dick, may I ask for what occasion this is?"

"This note is addressed to Jason from Damien's mother," explained Dick, holding up the note for visual cues. "We want to make sure that he's not slipping back into a life of crime."

"Though shouldn't Master Jason be here to explain himself," said Alfred as he set down breakfast for the others and breakfast for Jason though all three of the Robins knew that Jason wouldn't be up to eat it.

"He'd probably tell us it's none of our business and we'd never know what was in the letter," replied Damien as he started to eat.

"You're damn right about that," said Jason Todd as he made a surprise morning visit to the table, sitting down in front of the breakfast that was placed for him and snatching the envelope that was addressed to him out of Dick's hands. "Honestly, I don't go through any of your mails so why do I get the special surveillance."

"Because we haven't gotten personal letters from Talia al Ghul and we wanted to make sure that you weren't going to join them," said Tim bluntly as he tried to snatch he letter from Jason only to have his hand smacked away by Jason.

"Manners, Drake, or didn't Alfred teach you well," said Jason as he opened the letter with the Kris that he kept with him. He pulled out a folded up piece of paper and Tim noticed that there were a couple of rectangular paper thin objects which must have been photos in the envelope. He also noticed a smirk on Jason's face.

"So what is my mother telling you or offering you," asked Damien, suspicious of his mother after she had placed mind controlling things in his spine.

"Oh nothing important, just telling me things that would make you feel down and that she may wish for me to lead the League of Shadows," replied Jason, but they knew he was not telling them something and he had to be joking about Talia asking _him_ to lead the League of Shadows. Luckily Jason was right under the light so all Tim had to do was look under the letter and read the words in reverse.

"OH MY GOD," screamed Tim in shock as he read something that he could never unread ever. It sent images that were now stuck in his head.

"Oh goddamn it," said Jason as he realized that Tim had been reading the underside.

"What is it," asked Damien, now on the edge that there was something terrible that Jason had or was thinking of making him a part of.

"You slept with Talia," asked Tim in a tone was more like an exclamation of horror than it was an actual question and that sense of trauma spread to the other brothers, hitting Damien the hardest.

"You know maybe we shouldn't have this conversation with the little brother in the room," said Jason in a calm manner. "We shouldn't be bringing up the matters of sex in front of our youngest brother. We need to protect his childlike innocence."

"Todd I will have you know that I have done extensive research in the matter and that I am prepared to bathe myself in your blood if you do not tell me this instance what Tim is talking about."

"You and Talia," was all Dick could say, a look of complete shock on his face.

"Yeah, it kind of happened after she brought me fully back to life with the Lazarus pit," said Jason as he drank his orange juice slowly. "After I had gained my determination and plans of vengeance with the help of Talia…we kind of kissed in the excitement and anticipation of the kill. One thing led to another and eventually it led to nearest piece of furniture I could pound her into."

"Oh real subtle Jason, did you have to say that in front of Damien," asked Tim as he looked at the ten year old who had completely gone into what Tim could only assume was shock. "Damien are you alright?"

"Yeah well he asked for it Mr. 'I'm the spawn of Batman and know all about sex from reading it in those cheap romance novels Dick reads,'" retorted Jason as he took another drink of his orange juice.

"Hey those are Barbaras," protested Dick, a faint blush reaching his face. "Anyway, we're getting away from the point where you are carrying on an affair with the woman who has tried to kill me and I don't know if you noticed, is bat shit insane. No offense Damien."

"Says the man who carried on the love affair with the woman who tried to turn him to the dark side. Anyway it's not like we've been carrying on this affair or something for a long time or have even really talked about feelings much. I'm not going to be Damien's step dad any time soon and while yes I did enjoy sex, she's not the only woman I've slept with since I came back."

"Oh no, don't tell me you were doing Scarlet," cried Dick, horror spread across his face.

"Not unless you've been bawling Damian while I wasn't looking," replied Jason, further scarring Damien for life. "Batman doesn't screw Robin, Red Hood doesn't screw Scarlet, that is an unspoken rule. By the way, why did you break it off with Donna she is freackin' amazing."

"You had sex with Donna," screamed both Tim and Dick, Damien was in another multiverse.

"Now those words didn't imply that…or maybe they did but yeah," replied Jason as he finished his orange juice and ate the rest of his breakfast giving the other two time to soak in that image. "We have been for about…five months, after me and this woman who I was having on again off again relations of an intimate nature with. Her name was Shandra Kinsolving or something like that. She was treating my wounds and we talked during that time. Our faces got close and then we wound up boning each other on her desk."

"Oh my God, please don't tell me you've been banging Selina Kyle," said Tim as he sat back down with his face in his palm.

"I wish, but I did manage to bang Poison Ivy!"

"What's next, Harley Quinn," asked Dick who also putting his face in his palm.

"Oh hell no! Don't get me wrong she's hot and all, but I'm in no way touching the Joker's sloppy seconds with my penis. Noooo way!"

"Yeah just mine and Bruce's huh," muttered Dick.

"Hey Koriand'r is not sloppy seconds and neither is Talia," defended Jason before he realized how bad of a mistake he had made by the way Dick's head shot up.

"What the hell, you slept with Kory," asked, well more of shouted, Dick. "I'm gonna kick your ass, you man-whore!"

"Hey, you broke it off with her, and I wouldn't call me a man-whore if I was you," retorted Jason as he leaned back in his chair, balancing on only two legs of the chair.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Let's face it, you have slept with possibly the most women out of all of us, that we know of," said Tim, glaring at Jason. "I mean you have whatever it is you have with Barbara, that fling with Huntress, you slept with Donna, Starfire, those women in Bludhaven, that crazy woman, and there was our old mailwoman apparently, yeah nasty. Oh don't forget you also had that brief moment with that other girl in Chinatown."

"Oh don't get mad at me just because Stephanie isn't giving you any!"

"Woah, Timmy's not getting any, come on Tim you got to catch up with the curve. I mean me and Dick have already slept with our Batgirl's, what about you?"

"Woah, what the hell do you mean by slept with our Batgirls? You stay the hell away from my Babara!"

"Dick I was referring to the second Batgirl, since I'm the second Robin. Besides, she's like a sister to me; we even bathe together like siblings."

Dick did a spit take with his coffee when he heard that. "What?"

"That last part was a joke."

"So you've also slept with Cassandra? When?"

"Back when she was going to the dark side though neither of us knew the other," he said with his hands behind his head. "We kind of meet up sometimes, if neither of us is in a relationship. She told me you were too shy there."

"Hey she was kind of like part of the family…besides I've met tons of girls on my travels. I've been on a million dates…with a million girls."

"So your relationships have only lasted one date, Timmy-Tim-Timmo?"

"Hey I've slept with lots of girls besides Stephanie and I'm currently dating someone right now, I'll have you know!"

"His name wouldn't happen to be Conner would it," asked Jason which caused Dick to barely suppress a burst of laughter.

"Oh and you're on his side, you probably told him those rumors," spat Tim. "Least I'm not rumored to have been in two three ways, one with Roy and Garth, the other with Gar and Vic!"

"Ha, you're all fags as far as I'm concerned," laughed Jason as he sat his chair upright and picked up his envelope. Tim grabbed his hand before he could take the envelope fully from the table. "Tim, not that I'm not flattered, but I don't swing that way."

"What's in the envelope you ass," asked Tim as he tried to look at what the remaining rectangular pieces of paper were, obviously pictures of some kind.

"Hey this is a private matter; it's no one's business but me and Talia!"

"That's my mother," screamed Damien who had finally snapped out of his trauma and just completely snapped.

"Hey get off me you little cockroach," barked Jason as he grabbed Damien by the hair and tried to rip Damien off of him. At that moment the photos that were in the envelope scattered on the ground revealing photos of Talia herself, posed in various ways. The first one was her posing herself, fully clothed in a somewhat suggestive manner. The next one had in her very much short dress with the top buttons open and her sitting, her panties peeking through her crossed legs. The rest had her wearing even less and it eventually became very pornographic.

"What has been seen cannot be unseen," said Damien as he finally got off Jason, a very blank stare in his eyes as he walked towards the door only to run into Alfred who patted the young boy on the shoulder.

"Perhaps you should go to your bedroom and call this a personal day," said Alfred as he patted Damien on the shoulder. "I'll bring up some cookies and milk in a bit."

"I…thank you Alfred," said Damien as he continued on to his bedroom.

"Now I must say I'm very disappointed with how both you acted around young Mr. Damien and as punishment for such behavior, you have all lost cookie privileges for the day. By the way, you conversation has been overheard by Ms. Gordon and Ms. Brown, neither of whom looked please with your conversation."

"Well you're both screwed," said Jason as he reached into the leather coat that hung on his chair and pulled out a bag of cookies. "Guess Alfred didn't count on my bag of tricks!"

"Thank you for pointing out flaws in my search for contraband," said Alfred as he appeared out of nowhere to snatch the bag of cookies from Jason's hands.

"Hey my cookies," pouted Jason before putting his jacket on. "Anyway I'm heading out, you guys have fun with your girlfriends, and I'll hang out later with what's left of you two."

Jason walked out of the room, passing Barbara and Stephanie, the first giving him a stern look while the second was giving him the finger. Yeah both of them loved him and all, but he could be such an asshole some times, especially at this time. The other two Robins were looking their coffee and breakfast in the face, their tongues running for the hill hoping that their asses would follow, Unfortunately for them, the two girls split up, Stephanie taking one exit, Barbara taking another, they were not getting out of this one.

"So tell me, just how many women have you slept with," asked Barbara as she looked at Dick, her eyes had suddenly gained heat vision or at least it felt that way to Dick.

"Hey I didn't sleep with anyone while we were dating if that is what you're implying," said Dick as he backed up into the counter. "You knew all about the relationship I had with Kory and the last time I checked, you had talked with Huntress."

"But apparently you have some women you didn't tell me about," she said, her glasses lowering so that she was looking at him right above them.

"And what do you have to say for yourself, Mr. Sexpants," asked Stephanie as she pointed a very accusing finger at Tim. "You abandoned me, accused me of a lot of things and then go off around the world so you can sleep around?"

"I was looking for Bruce and all of you thought I had gone crazy, even you! Besides, you're the one who didn't want to start up our relationship!"

"Oh I'm sorry for feeling hurt after you basically left me and then went off to whore island!"

"Oh come on, you women are judging us based upon relationships we had when we weren't in a relationship with either of you," defended Dick as he took a sip of his coffee. "I mean, come on, it's not like we're jumping from bed to bed. We both love you two and we aren't in relationships for sex like Jason is."

"I just think he's being honest," said Barbara as she turned around and started to wheel away.

"Yeah, all the Robins are such man-whores," said Stephanie as she walked out. "Maybe Damien will turn out better, we just need to make sure he isn't under their influence."

"Did we just get plotted against," asked Tim as he looked at Tim.

"Yes we did little brother, yes we did."

"We need to figure out a plan to get them back on our side and find out where Jason Todd is going. I don't feel like everything is right and he's in the center of it."

"Alright then, to the Batcave!"

"Dick, why are we going out in costume…in broad daylight."

"I had him swallow a tracking device a few days ago so we should be able to track his movements from there."

And the hunt was on for Jason Todd.

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><p>Will the guys find Jason Todd? What is he up to? Will their be a sequal? Will they get back in god graces with their signifcant others? Will Damien Wayne ever be right again? These answers and more shall not be answered unless I can get inspiration. Though for other things like stories, please request, I'd like a challenge.<p> 


	2. Author's Note

Warning this entire thing is an author's note that may contain fail.

Alright I don't know what I want to do for the continuation of this story, whether I want it to be it's own sequal or if I want to just make another chapter. This was also supposed to have riddles with it, but according to those rules that you usually just skim over but shouldn't, that's interactive so I'm just putting this up. I guess I could have a joke or something. Great i upgraded from Riddler to Joker, the rules make you insane man! Anyway i would also like to state that I am open for challenges or requests so feel free.

I've been told that if you laugh at this you're going to hell so...yeah it's an evil joke. What the opposite of Christopher Walken? Cristopher Reeves.


	3. Chapter 2

Marrying the Enemy: Robin's are still such Manwhore's

Part: 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Batman or any of the characters, that is DC.

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><p>Dick and Tim both took different vehicles to try and pick up Jason's trail and find whatever strange meeting place that Jason had said he was going to. The good thing was that Jason went out in his typical manner of speeding out the Wayne Manor driveway so that his skid marks indicated which direction he was going and the car that Dick was using was able to pick up on the exhaust fumes of Jason's motorcycle. The trail was cut short when they reached Gotham and the trail mixed with the other exhausts, but as luck would have it, Jason had decided to take a walk. This meant he had stored his bike in one of the convenient garages that he had set up just in case, so it became a matter of finding which one had his bike. Tim decided to spread his search to the seedier part of town on his bike while Dick tried some of the garages in the more luxurious parts that Jason would hide out in when he was tailing a more high-classed figure.<p>

Dick pulled into one of the garages and decided to park his car and walk. It would be easier to trail Jason on foot because Jason knew what Dick's car looked like. He went to the next garage but it turned out to be empty. Although he did find a large stash of magazines that he was glad Jason wasn't storing in his apartment or his guest room in the manor. He wouldn't like Damien finding these things when he went over for Jason's to be babysat, though the kid would probably just grumble in the living room that he didn't need to be watched like some kind of child. There was also a large stack of weapons, probably not his entire arsenal but just guns to pick up on the way. He brought his phone out and dialed Tim's number.

"Found anything yet," answered Tim in the same blunt fashion that Bruce would answer sometimes. Perhaps he needed to spend more time with Tim. The world could wait on having another Bruce.

"Just porn and weapons so we know he uses this place," replied Dick as he started to peruse the magazine collection. Just for clues of course, he was looking through the magazines because he was a pervert or anything of that nature.

"Would you stop looking at the porn magazines I can hear you flipping through them," said Tim on the other end of the line.

"Hey I wasn't flipping through them, I was searching for clues," retorted Dick as he quickly put down the magazine he had in his hand, but not before slipping two others from under it. Purely for the sake of research.

"Put it back, Dick."

"I wasn't taking any of the magazines!"

"Funny, I didn't specify magazines. Wonder what Barbara would think if she found out that you were trying to steal your little brother's porn magazines."

"She might be wondering which one you're talking about, I've got three."

"Your little psychotic brother," said Tim, a bit annoyed.

"Great that just puts it between Jason and Damien," replied Dick as he walked out of the garage.

"You psychotic arrogant bro-oh god damn it those two assholes are all the same aren't they?"

"Well Jason is more cocky than arrogant, Damien is just arrogant," explained Dick.

"Alright the point is you wouldn't want Barbara to find out would you?"

"Are you blackmailing me, Tim?"

"Oh blackmail is such a dirty word. Yes. Yes I am blackmailing you, Dick."

"Would the both of you shut up," said the voice of Jason Todd, causing both former Robin's to jump. "If you two are going to do phone sex could you get off the same frequency of the network. Everyone can hear you two."

Both Dick and Tim were deadly silent before Dick cleared his throat and said, "well gonna continue my search now! Bye!"

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><p>On the other line, in the other part of the bad side of town, which for Gotham meant 50%, Tim was too stunned to hang up on the frequency realizing that if Barbara had heard she was going to whip Dick's ass and then get Stephanie to help her whip his and on top of it all Alfred would take away his cookie privileges for trying to blackmail Dick. Not only was his ass in imminent and terrible danger, but so was his access to Alfred's cookies. He quickly switched the frequency of his cell phone and started to walk out of the garage that he had been searching for clues only to trip over ones of the boxes that was standing in the middle of the ground. The box had been turned on its side from Tim's misstep and the contents had spilt out onto the ground. It was mostly porn magazines, no doubt belonging to the outrageous collection that Jason had amassed that seemed to stretch beyond one garage.<p>

_'Why do I have two of the most perverted men in the world as brothers,'_ thought Tim as he shifted the box on its side and picked up one of the magazines that had fallen open. His eyes immediately noticed that some of the wording on the magazine was in a strange way, almost as if someone was writing a secret message. '_I remember this code, it's one of the basic secret letter codes in the League of Shadows! That bastard! He has been carrying an affair with Talia!' _

Tim immediately broke out his cell phone to call Dick.

"Tim, what's up," asked Dick, who was apparently taking the prospect of having his ass beaten in the ground by his sometimes girlfriend very well. Too well, it bothered Tim a bit.

"Jason's been lying to us this entire time," said Tim as he picked up the magazine. "The porn magazines are all written in a special code sending him messages from Talia. There is definitely something going on between the two of them."

"I'll be damned, how did I not notice that?"

"You weren't reading the articles, pervert. Wait a second. You took one didn't you?"

"Had a nut feeling that there was something not right with these, he has way too many and their names are all generic."

"A nut feeling," asked Tim with a chuckle.

"Can we get back onto the Jason and Talia subject," asked Dick, a bit annoyed at the fact that Tim was treating him like he was some dirty old man.

"I'm pretty sure they're already on each other."

"Tim this is serious, this may be the only way to get our girls off our backs and to distract Alfred from the fact that we lost cookie privileges. Now according to the magazines, they've been meeting up at the same place each time. I don't see an address here."

"Got the place, it's the high up fancy hotel places, the ones made for secret rendezvous without the paparazzi being allowed. The security there is top notch with a private security organization on separate floors working with the body guards of the clients for security and privacy. It's not going to be easy getting in."

"Alright then, we should probably bring Bruce into this since he's had the most dealings with Talia and we could get in under the guise of being a private family meeting. Damien can take the outside perimeter alongside Stephanie."

"We can't tell him about any of this, you saw how crazy he went back at the manor. If he even thinks that Jason is meeting up to…well…"

"Bang Talia into the mattress screaming and moaning and sweating?"

"Wow Dick, would you stop imagining Jason and Talia having sex in your head, it's really disgusting," said Tim.

"Hey I can't help it, Talia is an attractive woman. I mean sometimes I wonder about you, I mean especially when Conner died and you were grieving as much or more than Cassie."

"Hey I missed Conner, I lost a lot of people!"

"Yeah I get it, but your dad died and you spent an awful lot of time trying to bring Conner back. Your girlfriend died and you were broken up about it, but you spent an awful lot of time trying to bring Conner back. I mean Booster Gold grieved for Ted Kord, but you were definitely grieving more for Conner."

"Words fail to express how much I hate you and wish your penis would rot off," said Tim as he slammed the cell phone shut. "I guess now we have to get Bruce into this."

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><p>"Are you certain about this," said Bruce as he looked at his two sons who had just brought the equivalent of an atomic bomb as far as information went.<p>

"We already know from a letter and some pictures that came with said letter that Talia and Jason have had a sexual relationship," said Tim before reaching under Dick's shirt and pulling out the magazines that Dick had thought he had hidden from both men. "And these magazines have a basic code with them that to the average person looks like regular writing but one who knows how to encrypt the message will discover secret love letters that Talia's been leaving Jason. She's been slipping into Gotham and right under our noses to continue the love affair."

"You said she had sent pictures," asked Bruce as he looked at Tim who produced the only picture of Talia that he had on him. "…it's worse than I thought. I knew she wouldn't take me leaving her for Selina would cause some consequences, but I never expected her to go to Jason."

"Lucky bastard," said Dick as he got the same glare from both Tim and Bruce. _'Great, I thought Conner's presence would prevent him from going over to Bruce's side. I probably should have spent more time with him'_

"Anyway, we have to get in and find out what Jason's been doing with Talia," said Tim.

"I think we can imagine what they're doing without going to take picture or video tape," said Dick earning him another glare.

"We need to break in and take them both for questioning, Jason could have compromised the entire network to the League of Shadows," said Tim as he brought up the map of the Inc. network. "Ras Al Ghul could be trying to destroy everything that you have built again."

"I don't think Jason has willingly sold us out, the League could be holding someone hostage or doing something to keep him in their hands," said Bruce as he brought up Jason's file. "Scarlett has been seen much these days."

"Or they could just want to have sex because that's what normal people do," interjected Dick earning him another glare, which was getting on his last nerve. "I'm sorry is this glare at Dick day or something. I mean, have either of you considered that maybe Jason and Talia are in love or something like that, I mean it's not Talia, as crazy as she is, is beyond the capacity to love someone, especially after someone stepped all over her heart."

"So I should have taken control over the League of Shadows," asked Bruce as he narrowed his eyes to Dick.

"What I'm saying is that you should have let her down more gently than you did," replied Dick as he leaned against the table. "You don't just go, I'm sorry but this relationship is over and by the way I'm going to be currently screwing Catwoman because she isn't a psychopath."

"Ahem, I do hope you'll use more proper language in decent society," said Alfred as he brought down a tray of tea that was noticeably devoid of cookies. "There will be cookies in decent society where people speak with proper language befitting gentlemen."

"How does he do that," asked Dick and Tim. Bruce only sighed as he drank the tea that was on the tray.

"As I was saying, have either of you considered that perhaps Jason and Talia are only planning on continuing their relationship?"

Both Tim and Bruce looked at each other as if it didn't compute and then looked back at Dick with the same blank expressions before simultaneously saying, "No."

"Right I forgot who I was talking to," said Dick with a sigh of frustration at Bruce and Bruce Jr. He was going to have to try harder with Damien. The world did not need three Bruce's that was for sure. "So what, we're going to break in and try to stop Jason and Talia from finding love with each other."

"Do you honestly want to deal with Damien if that happened," asked Tim as he looked at Dick. "He's already got this arrogance about him and he's close to being Bruce. Do we really need something for him to brood over at night like his father?"

"Okay, but I'm only doing this for Damien," said Dick.

"And we might have to give Jason Kory after this," muttered Tim, hoping tha the had said it fast enough for Dick not to hear.

"Oh hell no," said Dick.

"You're not even in a relationship with her and you told her to move on with her life," replied Tim.

"It's times like this when I wonder what kind of men I have raised," said Bruce.

"Now you know how I feel, Master Bruce," said Alfred at the top of the stairs. "And might I ask what you're all doing here."

"How does he do that," asked all three.

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><p>Author's note: The rating for this may change, I don't know what rating it is already, but I might have to change it so keep that in mind.<p> 


	4. Chapter 3

Sleeping with the Enemy 3: Okay the Entire Bat Family are Man-whores

Disclaimer: blah blah blah, the legal crap. I don't know if this is necessary or not. You know I don't own this stuff and you might be relieved that I don't with how this fic turned out.

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><p>"This is Red Robin, in place," said Tim over the communicator as he looked at the window he would be breaching less than five minutes in the future.<p>

There were two guards looking as if they were in a very serious discussion over a beer. At least as serious as any discussion could be over beer. Tim had never even so much as tried beer even though Dick had the occasional and Jason left empty beer cans in the yard do to some grudge against Poison Ivy. Cassie had been always watching for any signs that he had taken up his older brother's pastime. She even talked to Stephanie about watching him, the second time someone had asked Stephanie to spy on him, but thankfully she had refused this time.

"Understood, I'm at my place," said Nightwing followed by a crunching sound.

"Dick, are you eating potato chips," asked Tim.

"No." There was again a crunching sound.

"Oh you so totally are eating potato chips! How could you bring food onto an operation like this?"

"What? This is the first thing I've eaten all day…besides some of Alfred's cookies…and some of that Chinese take-out."

"No wonder your spandex is getting tighter," said Tim. " You've been pigging out ever since you relinquished the Batman mantle."

"Oh that is bullshit!"

"Will both of you maintain silence save for necessary calls," said a gruff, deep voice. "We're breaching now."

Joey Patelli had gotten the 13 floor of the special hotel reserved for his friend's bachelor party, the last night Rick would get to enjoy being a "free man" as Joey called it. The other men were in oen of the rooms with some of the fine ladies that the hotel provided discreetly, free of charge. There was something odd about Poison Ivy making a love hotel, but it was the best in the city so Joey guessed there was something to that rehabilitating the freaks of Gotham thing. So long as Batman stayed out this was going to be the best place for having a safe conversation of which super heroine had the biggest tits without one of the Batfamily smashing their teeth in.

"Powergirl, hands down," said Rick, a bit drunk from the hard mixed drinks that came complimentary with the food. "I mean have you seen them, they got bounce and everything. I swear those things are like National Treasures."

"Yeah but Wonder Woman has power with her tits, I mean the way she fights, it's so brutal but damn do I get hard."

"You know how come we always gotta talk about sex," said Mac the most intelligent man at the table, of course that was relative to the gathered intelligence of the table which was average to slightly above at best. "You know if we wanted to talk about sex we could be in a room with a chick right now. This is the cool down period; let's have another topic not related to sex. Like which member of the Justice League would you want to start a business with? Batman, Superman, or…Green Lantern?"

"Superman," said almost everybody at the table save for one "Green Lantern."

"I mean do I have to come up with my own ideas or does he have some," asked Rick as he drank down the rest of his drink.

"He's got a few ideas," replied Mac.

"I mean Batman get's a little creepy the way he just appears at times, plus I'd like to be able to do business during the day time," said Charlie, the runt of the group. "I mean Green Lantern might be cool but then again he's some kind of space cop. Plus he might have some ideas from that Oliver Queen guy who bounces through poverty and fortune like Oprah does with fat and skinny."

"Yeah plus Superman has a nice clean image, something that would inspire people to invest in us," said Joey. "Plus I don't want to use any of the budget funding a batplane unless we're selling it. Did any of you hear something hit the window?"

"Naw, I didn't hear anything," said Mac. "Though you know Green Lantern may have some alien technology that we could sell easily."

"This is stupid I want to talk about vaginas," shouted Rick as he slammed his hand down on the table right as the windows blew open and the room was covered in a smoke that rendered every man unconscious. The rooms were all silent proof so no one in the other rooms or floor were alerted as Red Robin flew in through the smoke, landing on the table that all men had collapsed around or on.

"This is Red Robin, I believe we just interrupted a bachelor party," said Tim as he climbed off the table.

"Expect strippers or hookers," said Dick on his end. He had breached another room while Batman was going to try the roof. "Or both."

"I think we should trigger some sort of fire alarm to get the remaining people out of the building," suggested Tim. He peered through the door into the main hallway that separated into different rooms where men were either getting lap dances or having sex with a hooker. Jason was definitely at home here. "I'm moving into the hallway, do we have Oracle onboard to engage the security locks on doors?"

"I'll put in a call to her, meanwhile I need both of you to make your way to the main elevator that leads to the Penthouse suite at the top," replied Batman.

"It's probably guarded heavily knowing Talia," said Dick as he also made his way into the hallway. The hallway was shaped in a T shape with the branches moving to the bachelor area that they were at and the main strip lead to the main hallway, which led to the main elevator. "Now I'm going to suggest something and please, I want you to hear me out. If we had someone to lead the guards here than it wouldn't be much of a problem."

"So you want to ask one of the workers to lead the guards into an ambush," asked Tim.

"No, Tim you're not following me. The girls are well paid and probably not wanting to get in trouble. If we had our own girl to distract the guards and perhaps attack them from behind…"

"You want me to call in Stephanie or Cassandra or Cassie?"

"Well I can't get in touch with Cassandra and Stephanie…we don't put her in these situations anymore. Also, would Cassie be willing to even do that?"

"Yeah, she'd probably castrate us with a rusty carving knife," replied Tim with a shudder.

"Okay why you even jumped to that scenario is something I'm confidant I don't want to know about, but still we need some girl or girlish-person, to distract the guards."

"I'm not following where you're going with this?"

"I want you to dress in drag," said Dick in the bluntest tone he could.

Tim was silent for a moment and then he shouted, "are you insane? How dare you even insinuate that I would do that!"

"I'm just saying, you've done it before and you look very much feminine sometimes," replied Dick. "Okay you know what, let's just forget it, I should have known you'd get defensive."

"I can't even believe that you would even think I would be okay with that," said Tim. "I also take offense for looking feminine by someone whose batsuit looks like a fat suit with all that jelly inside."

"Oh that is bullshit, I am like a fucking yoga god," retorted Dick with his finger pointed at Tim. "And it's not my fault you dressed in drag and still keep the clothing, I mean did you have to include panties with that. What's up with that?"

"I'm sorry, when the hell were you going through my past disguises, especially since it was in a box on it's own?"

"Okay, again, what is up with that, you have multiple pairs, Tim. I mean shocking fashion statements aside, how far were you going to go with it."

"Oh I have shocking fashion statements, mister green-sequined underwear and disco collar?"

"Hey at the time it was fashionable!"

"What was that noise," said one of the guards doing his usual patrol of the hallways.

"Well I guess the drag idea worked," said Dick as he leaned in close to the corner he was taking cover behind.

"No it didn't, you're stupidity just has a chance of actually working in a way it never intended," replied Tim as he prepared a Bird-a-rang.

"You sound just like Damian, you know," said Dick.

"I'm sending you all of my hate right now," replied Tim as he let the projectile loose and moved forward to take on the next guard to come running in response to his fallen comrade.

"I'm proceeding down the main stairs to the penthouse," said Batman over his radio comm-link. "What's your status?"

"We're going up the main elevator," replied Dick, his breathing sounding a bit labored. "There may be some guards expecting us so you can take them out if they're not already expecting you coming from the stairs."

"And the stealth portion of this operation went where," asked Batman, a bit annoyed that his eldest was throwing away everything he had taught him.

"Complications arose, besides it's not like you don't make mistakes once in a while."

"I don't," said Batman as he prepared for the honor guards that were running up the stairs to meet him.

"What are you talking about, there was that time with Brother Eye," said Dick. "Oh and mapping plans to take down the Justice League members, including your best friend Superman."

"I'm sorry you're breaking up," said Batman before disabling the link.

The first guard came in low to force him up while the other one prepared to strike high. Predictable tactics that were essentially an amateurs trap. Instead Batman jumped back letting a few smoke pellets loose to temporarily blind them. It gave him a three second window to let two batarangs fly, hitting both guards in the leg and shifting them off balance enough for him to jump over the back of one and kick the other in the face. As the other guard tried the risky move of turning fast before getting proper footing Batman was already throwing a punch to the face that knocked the guard out. He moved too fast to get a good look at them, but knowing Talia they were both female. There was another group of three already to turn the corner when batman used a grapple gun to attach to one of the stair railings of another floor. Using the force of a swing with a kick, Batman knocked the first one back down the stairs. The force also sent him flying enough to grab the other two guards and pull them down the stairs. Upon landing he slammed both of their heads into the ground with enough force to knock them out but not enough to cause permanent damage.

Batman knew that if Talia were here than there would have been twice as many honor guards, but these were just barely an escort. The others might have been on the lower floors, but what would make Talia confidant enough to have so little guards. Batman crept down the rest of the stairway with the greatest caution until he saw that the rest of the guards were waiting for him outside of the doorway of the penthouse suite. There was 10 in total and probably her elite ten. This was not going to be easy for the Dark Knight. The first group of five moved to surround him while the rest decided to attack from above. As above so below was a common tactic for attack one enemy, but it had one great flaw, it meant all were vulnerable to retaliation. With the flick of his wrist downward he cast a flashbang, the cowl would automatically provide the necessary light dampening and hearing suppression to prevent him from feeling the effects. He'd remember to thank Barry for the suggestion.

While the ground forces were stunned it gave Batman evade and subdue the ground attackers from up high that were also blinded. With the pressing attack from above taken care of, it gave Batman enough breathing room to parry the first sword attack using one of the downed guard's sword. After he parried the first attacker another rolled in from behind forcing him bring out a batarang to deflect the attack. While he deflected the attack he sent out one kick right to the solar plexus of the attacker, sending him to the ground. Not wanting to be vulnerable again, Batman decided to move closer to one of the guards and force them to use hand-to-hand combat. While they were the best of Talia's guard they had not spent their nights in constant fight and none of them had strayed from the teachings of one master to master mind and body like the Batman. A fist tried to connect to his face but he managed to use his forearm to knock it away while bringing his other arm to uppercut the attacker.

He was already going to win the fight, but the inclusion of his sons, who had just arrived on the scene, brought a quick end to the fight. Both Nightwing and Red Robin entered into the fight with jumping kicks that took down two guards who were too busy on Batman. As another two took notice to the knew additions, Batman was already letting to batarangs go to punish the guards for the most common mistake, never turn your back to any opponent. As they were moved forward they were taken out by his two sons.

"Now it's time to see what they're planning," said Nightwing as he looked at the door to the penthouse. "It's soundproof as well, one would think she'd be more careful of having a door that blocked off her contact with the outside."

"There's a camera right outside," said Tim as he pointed to each of the corners. "I got Oracle to cut them off, but the floors are designed just like the kind of floors in Noh plays. They go into the other room."

"Alright then, follow my lead," said Batman as he effortlessly burst threw the door before assuming a fighting stance followed by Nightwing and Red Robin.

To the surprise of the dynamic trio, there was no one ready for combat. All they saw was Talia, dressed in lingerie and her hair loose and covering her chest, Poison Ivy who was covering herself with the few plants that were dripping with a sticky substance, and Jason standing on the bed in nothing but a pair of dark briefs with his domino mask on. All the while the music stereo system that appeared to be custom was set to "I'm Sexy and I Know It" by LFMAO. There was another girl covering her self with pillows and blankets and someone was hiding in the doorway.

"My eyes, my virgin eyes," screamed Tim as he covered them.

"I knew you were a virgin," said Jason, not wanting to seem taken off guard as he jumped off the bed, not even bothering to cover himself.

"Would you care to explain this," asked Batman as he gave him the patented "Batman does not approve" look.

"This is exactly what it looks like," replied Jason as he picked up one of the mixed drinks and drank from it. "Yeah look, perhaps we should just you know save explanations for morning."

"So you can explain how you have a harem going on here with two villains and some girls," asked Dick as he went over and pulled the pillow away to reveal the face of one Harleen Quinzell who snatched it back to cover her chest. "And you lied about nailing Harley?"

"That was not a lie at the time," replied Jason defensively. "Besides after you mentioned it I did start to get very curious and she is hot…and Poison Ivy just happened to mention that she was back in town and they were friends like you know…'lets have an underpants party' friends."

"That still doesn't explain why Poison Ivy is here," said Tim as he pointed to the woman who was now wrapped in vines over strategic places. Tim knew if he looked back he would be aroused and the suits left nothing to the imagination. "You have three villainesses and I'm expecting Catwoman to be in the bathroom."

"Oh no she's…well I'll leave that for Batman to find out," said Jason as he sat in a chair before wiggling in it to get comfortable. "Anyway, this place is Poison Ivy's and part of her reformation therapy was to interact with humans and develop a healthy relationship with them through something she was use to, lust. This is coming from something I think Bruce should tell you about but as a hint, even Batman has a limit for pheromones as Poison Ivy find out."

Tim looked at Poison Ivy and found a blush spreading across her face and then he looked at his father to find the man standing very still, silent, but his suit seemed a bit tighter. Tim knew that he would be scarred for life from all of this.

"Well I think this does make you the greatest Robin of us all," said Dick as he clapped, only to be glared at by both Tim and Bruce. "Anyway, what are you all planning on doing, just keeping with this harem thing you got going or what?"

"Actually this was a special night that you ruined," said Jason as he got up and walked to the dresser. "You can come out Huntress, I think Batman already figured out it's you hiding in the bathroom."

"Great, this is what happens when one drink becomes ten," said Huntress with a sigh as she walked out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel and her mask.

"You didn't seem to mind ten minutes ago," said Jason over his drink. A blush spread quickly to Huntress's skin and her eyes were sending death rays to Jason who shrugged them off like droplets of water.

"Okay, what the hell Huntress, what the hell," cried Dick in outrage. "I mean I can't believe you'd do something like this."

"She did sleep with you just to get ahead in the world of vigilantes," said Tim who also received a death glare from Huntress.

"I'm not a whore I just don't make good decisions when I drink," said Huntress. "I mean it's not like none of you haven't slept around, I mean Batman's had sex with Catwoman even if he was seeing someone. Then I'm pretty sure Nightwing has nailed more women than he lets on. The sad part is that the two of you aren't even the worst. I mean Oliver will screw anything with a heartbeat and his young ward grew up to be just as bad."

"I understand that, but you're okay with joining a sex party with two notable villains and Batman's sloppy seconds," replied Tim only to be knocked over by a small foot planted into his back.

"Don't you dare speak badly of my mother, Drake," said Damian sword in hand before he pointed the tip of the katana at Jason. "And you Todd, will taste the sting of my…I…Todd, you are to put on clothes. Everyone is to put on clothes even you lesser ally of my father."

"Alright listen brat, just because you are Batman's son does not mean I won't drown you in the bath tub," warned Huntress with her finger pointed in the air above Damian's head with caution. There was an uncomfortable coughing in the air from everyone, including Damian. "Too dark…?"

"Yeah a little dark and just general…what the hell-ness," said Jason as he crossed over to where Talia was.

"Todd go nowhere near my mother, you are not to touch her," barked Damian as he raised his sword ready to strike.

"Damian, you have to understand, me and your mother-"

"My mother and I," corrected Tim who was still on the floor.

"No talking while you're down there," said Jason as he pushed Tim's head down to the floor with his foot. "Anyway, when this first started with Poison Ivy, Harley, and the occasional discarded Riddler henchwoman, the two of us were trying to find some closeness to something familiar. To me she was something of Batman that I could still share in, for her I was just like Batman only one who would go with her. Now it's progressed beyond that to the fact I wish to be more than just the shadow of Batman, but her beloved."

"Jason, does this mean you wish to marry me," asked Talia as she stood up from the bed.

"Yes, Talia, I wish to become the only man you call beloved," said Jason before sighing. "Though I would have had a ring if someone didn't chug the glass it was in."

"I was thirsty after that thing you did, whatever you call it," replied Harley , crossing her hands over the pillow that covered her exposed upper body. "I'll get it back to you, just might take a while."

"Actually you can keep it I'll get another one,' said Jason as he took Talia's hand. "I just want to be with you till the end of the world."

"And I wish for the same, beloved," said Talia as she clasped her other hand around his.

"Okay boys, I think this getting private so I'll be expecting a bill to be paid by someone, not asking who,, not mentioning names, but whatever you broke or messed up I want compensation," said Poison Ivy as she pushed the men out including Batman who strangely did not object.

"Talia, are you happy," asked Batman, not bothering to turn around.

"Yes, I'm happy with the way things turn out, regardless of everything that happened in between," said Talia before adding, "and I wouldn't have it any other way."

"As long as you do not attempt to follow in Ras Al Ghul's footsteps, I wish you both the best," said Batman. "But until I'm sure Robin won't try to kill Jason, you two might not want to plan a weekend at the manor."

"Thank you, dad," said Jason, a smile on his face, a genuine smile not a smirk.

"Well I guess that ended well," said Dick as he dragged Tim and Damian out of the room.

"No it isn't," shouted both Tim and Damian.

"What do you think is going to happen now," asked Tim as he looked back towards the door that was closed shut by vines.

"Really kinky engagement sex," said Dick in a tone that sounded like he was disappointed to be left out. "So do you really approve of all this?"

"I don't have to approve any of it to accept it," was all Batman said before jumping out the window.

"You're pretty silent Damian, anything you want to talk about," asked Dick as he patted Damian on the head.

"Tonight I will crawl into bed and sleep this off like a bad hang over," replied Damian. "And then I will either kill Todd or try to find a way to make this…tolerable."

And then Damian left, a little traumatized, a little humbled, and somewhat broken.

"Hey tell me something Tim, did you get the feeling there was another girl hiding in there," asked Dick.

"Actually the odd thing was that when we burst through I nearly tripped over what looked like a wheelchair," replied Tim as he scratched his chin. "You don't…."

"Oh that is bullshit," shouted Dick before rushing towards the door to the penthouse suite.

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><p>Author's note: This chapter got crazier and harder to write the more I wrote it, but it is finally done and for the most part so is this fic. If anyone has any suggestions or requests I'll look into it. I hope you have enjoyed.<p> 


	5. Announcement

Dear readers,

I'm glad that this silly fan fiction that I've been writing and it's taken us to crazy places. Currently I'm working on lots of projects but one that I will begin to work on is something that will affect this one. I'm planning the next part with the Wedding and the Bachelor party and not gonna lie, probably gonna get put this to M-rated territory. I mean I'm surprised it's not now but there you go. It's gonna be as crazy what I've written so far and I'm hoping that you all could pose some questions that you'd like answered that I can answer in the writing. Plot threads that you are not sure about and things you'd like to see. I've also hired a narrator to write the summary to the next chapter in this story.

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><p>Narrator:<p>

Dick Grayson, former Boy Wonder and former Batman, has just woken up with his good friend Roy Harper, his little brother Tim Drake and his former ward Damian Wayne, all with a terrible hang over from Jason's bachelor party. And yes this plot was definitely stolen from the Hangover. Now they have to figure out what they did last night, where is Jason, Damian Wayne's lost virginity, burying all traces of last night and trying not to piss off a hormonal Talia Al Ghul. It'll be crazy, introspective in the possible man whore-ness of Superheroes. And the shocking wedding announcement you'll never see coming. Trust me folks it's not that special, this guy has not that much talent. Join us next time, same Robin time, same Robin channel.


	6. Enemy-in-law

Enemy-in-Law

Disclaimer: Did you not see the other disclaimers in this fic, the same thing applies, I didn't magically get the rights to DC Comics overnight.

Author's note: Well here it is, the final or second to final chapter in this series.

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><p>There was a throbbing feeling in the back of Roy's head as he got off of the spot on the couch that he had apparently chosen to sleep on for a reason he couldn't recall. Shaking a bit of the sleepiness off as he made his way to the bathroom using the memory of his footsteps and what little sight he could manage. Thankfully it was enough to make sure he did step on Tim face and enough to get most of his piss in the toilet before he turned his head to the left ever so casually to find a wall. That's when he realized that he was facing a faucet and that he was peeing in the shower…onto an unconscious Damian. When he finally realized the predicament that he was in he then did what any man named Roy Harper would do in this situation, back up flailing right into the bed with Dick Grayson. This had the unfortunate affect of waking Dick Grayson who was clad in only his Nightwing pants.<p>

"What the hell Roy," growled Dick as he sat up from the bed, his hand immediately reaching up to his head.

"There is a Damian in the pisser," cried Roy, pointing to the aforementioned bathroom.

"What," said Tim who had been occupying the couch and was unfortunately clad in much less, but as soon as he realized it he started to cloth himself with what clothes of his he could find nearby.

"There's a god damn demon spawn in the bath tub!"

"Alright calm down I'm going to check on it," said Dick as he went to the bathroom to find Damian resting in the tub, wet with urine and clothed in a manner that immediately sent off warning bells in Dick's mind. "Yeah he is definitely in the bath tub. Someone find his pants please and a clean shirt, someone pissed on him."

"I got one of his shirts and his pants right here, though he should probably wash himself off," said Tim as he handed the clothes and the spare body wash he kept in his bag just in case his body wash ran out. "Oh dear god, I feel like I was skull fucked last night."

"I didn't know we ran into Conner," said Roy teasingly before being hit in the face by a pillow.

"Get bent, Roy," said Tim as he stood up. "Damn, it's like we woke we up in the aftermath of a bad slash fiction."

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><p>(Author's note: I can assure all of my readers that this is not a slash fic though there is one part that may seem messed up, I assure you it's for the purposes of humor alone.<p>

Jason: I think they don't have to worry about slash fiction after you hooked me up with almost every hot female in Gotham. Of course you could convince them more by elaborating on the scene of that room before and after the intrusion.

Author's note: I am not writing a porno chapter.)

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><p>"Hey Damian, wake up little D, we got to get you dressed," said Nightwing as he leaned down to nudge Damian awake.<p>

"Grayson, why do I smell of urine and where are my pants," asked Damian as he slowly sat up from the bath tub.

"I have no clue, but right now we need to get you cleaned up," said Dick as he handed Damian the soap and left his spare clothes on the floor before walking out of the bathroom. "Oh dear god, I don't even want to know what we did last night. Roy go wake up Jason. And put some pants on, you're dick is hanging out all over the place."

Roy walked over to the door that lead to Jason's room and opened it to be greeted by a big guy wearing a pink tutu and an Arabic vest.

"I am Susan," said the man right before Roy closed the door in his face.

"If Jason is in there, he's dead," said Roy as he walked over to the spot near the television.

"Damn it, he must be passed out somewhere, let's find him before Talia finds out," said Dick as he got his jeans on with his black suede shirt.

"Oh god Roy could you put your penis away, I don't want to see your junk," said Tim as he covered his eyes from the sight.

"Oh you'd show it off it too if you didn't have one elephant tusk," said Roy as he put his pants on.

"God damn it Grayson, I told you that in strictest confidence, we pinky swore," shouted Tim as he soon started to pummel his older brother with wild fists.

"Could you two stop behaving like idiots, you'll embarrass me in front of the former junkie," said Damian as he walked out just as casually as he pleased before stopping a bit to steady himself. His face was scrunched up in pain. "I want answers as to what the hell you all did to me and I want them now!'

"Damian, I don't think any of us remember last night and with how we found ourselves, I don't think we want to," said Dick as he grabbed his wallet and the hotel card key. "Let's just go find Jason."

"Why must we find my mother's man-whore," asked Damian as he immediately crossed his arms and sulked in a pose that would be called by many, 'Pouty Batman' pose.

"If we don't then Talia will castrate us all alive with a rusty carving knife," said Dick as he put his shades on. "And I'm pretty sure if we ever do find out about tonight she might do just that."

They all walked to the elevator to get to the lobby and get some breakfast or coffee to get the tastes out of their mouth. As soon as they reached the lobby a woman in a tight, practically see through blue dress came walking towards them. She was wearing a black bra and thong underneath that distracted Dick enough for him to notice the angry look on her face, a face that Roy was not unfamiliar with. He also didn't notice her hand as it smacked him across the face so viciously that for an eight of a split second even Damian flinched.

"You owe me for last night," she shouted, making the rest of the group look around to see if there was anyone nearby to attract attention.

"Owe you," said Dick questioningly as he rubbed the red mark on his face. "Do I know you?"

"You knew me last night you cheap bastard," she shot back her arms crossed and her eyes firing death lasers. "In fact all four of you owe me!"

"Look we…have no freaking idea of what happened last night if you could fill us in," explained Tim as he jumped in to do the female reasoning that could not have been done by any of his companions because they lacked that certain…empathetic qualities.

"Do you guys really not remember last night," asked the hooker as she eyed the group as if they were possibly a traveling band of repeat sex offenders…that were dressed as carnival clowns. "Well you guys picked me up around 10:00 at Cloud 9. You took me back to your room and we discussed our terms."

"Oh my god, you're a hooker," said Tim as the grim realization fell upon him like barrels in Donkey Kong and he was left, flattened on the first stage with the Princess far away from sight.

"Hey, I am a call girl," retorted the woman as she pointed her finger dead at the center of Tim's chest. "Anyway, I did a little dance and then he passed out, (she points at Dick) and then he (pointing at Roy) suggested you two (pointing at Damien) would do a groupie."

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><p><strong>(Slight Author's note: if that was the part where you mind performed an illegal operation and had to shut down it get's worse immediately. Just Skim through and look for a 1.) <strong>

The expressions on Tim and Damien's faces bother changed to looks of horror and awkwardness as they both realized they had taken part in a mutual act of intimacy. The next part would only set them on opposite sides of the earth for a year following the wedding experience and further prevent Roy and Dick from ever doing a dynamic babysitting. This would later be filed under the batfamily database under the name "Shit be Fucked Up." The man who entered that file and named it was Jason Todd.

"Then I took a break for a bit," she said as she brushed a strand of hair out of her face. "And you two kept going. I watched."

There was a sound heard in the unseen path of noise that emanates from the large amount sound that is unperceivable by the human senses and mostly not even animal senses. Vary rarely does any noise from this spectrum ever penetrate into the visible spectrum of noise as it is sometimes called, but at this moment there was a piercing noise like the sound of girls squealing in glee before it suddenly went silent. For a good while no one moved but the call girl didn't notice the awkward looks that Damian and Tim were giving each other as Roy seemed unfazed only because his brain had crashed as if it was running Windows Vista. Dick was quickly trying to figure out how he was going to keep this incident from ever reaching Bruce, Babs, and most importantly Talia. He'd also have to kill Jason if he ever found out, but he had to make it look like a really good accident so as not to arouse suspicion.

"You two seemed to have a lot of unresolved anger issues, but as you went on you two became surprisingly gentle and y-"

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><p><strong>1<strong>

Whatever other information she was about to give out died in her throat as Damian shoved a dagger with a curved blade right through her neck into her skull giving an instantaneous and quick death. She crumbled to the floor like a lifeless marionette with cut strings.

"This never happened," declared Damien, his eyes wide with authority and trauma. "Is that understood, Drake?"

"Oh dear god, Damien you just killed a hooker," said Roy as he looked at disgust at the attractive hooker (don't tell Lian or Jade he thought that).

"Call girl," corrected Damien as he pulled a flask of acid out to dissolve the body.

"No, Damien, when they're dead they're just hookers," re-corrected Roy as he pushed his sunglasses closer up on his face. "We need to make ourselves scarce people."

"Let's check the casino for him, see if any of the waitresses have seen him," said Dick as he redirected the group towards the goal of finding the elusive Jason Todd. If they didn't find him soon then Talia would become suspicious and if Talia became suspicious than Dick would face a situation worse than death, castration. "Why did I let you talk me into bringing Damian, things are bad enough but now I have to worry about dad as well as Talia."

"Finally listen to one of my ideas and now look what happens, ironic, no," said Roy.

"How is this ironic," asked Dick as he looked at Roy the same way you looked a friend with a retarded hairdo or terrible fashion sense.

"Are you kidding me, this is like O' Henry and Alanis Morrisette had a baby and decided to name it this exact situation," said Roy.

"Yeah, I imagine you've not read the dictionary recently," replied Dick.

"You imagine it," retorted Roy.

"Both of you imagine shutting up," said Tim as he dragged both of them by the ear in the same manner their respective others had told him to do. Before they could make it out the door there was the ringing of a cell phone, Dick's cell phone and from the ring tone blaring a chorus of "bitch" it could only be one person calling, Talia.

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><p>Announcer: Are our heroes in danger of becoming eunuchs? Is Jason naked in another strange orgy? Will this get any more collectively fucked up? Stay tuned unless of course you hated this than well…yeah, deal with it.<p> 


	7. Married To a Manwhore

Married to a Manwhore

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

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><p>"Alright so he's definitely not on the rooftop," said Roy as he took another swig of the giant mug of coffee that he'd ordered to wake himself up from the worst haze he'd had since he came clean. "I mean we certainly tried to lock his bed up there, but he's not there."<p>

"Yeah, Roy, I was meaning to ask you why you thought he'd even still be there," asked Dick his orange juice jar half empty as he wondered if he should ask Bruce to look into darker shades that would completely block out the sun. Then he realized he was thinking of a sleep mask. (Author's aside: Took me forever to think of the name.) "We're all high level trained acrobats who scale buildings with our bare hands, how would he not get down from there, locked door or not?"

"I don't know we were pretty wasted and it's hard for me to even piss when I'm drunk" said Roy in response. His head was faced down in a plate of pancakes that were so fluffy it made for the best pillow.

"A fact that I'm sadly aware of, though it did mean less piss got on me and more got on the wall," said Damian, himself responding to a hangover my blankly staring at everything and trying to make sure that nothing of their night would surface into his consciousness forcing him to kill everyone within the tri-state area before taking his own life.

"Can we not mention the golden shower, Damian," asked Dick as he watched Tim grow pale and feverish. "Okay so we need to think of where we might have gone last night in our drunken stupor."

"Dick, we're in Las Vegas, so you might as well open up the phone book and start calling random places," said Roy as he took another swig of his early morning beer. "Doesn't Batman have every security camera in the world under his direct control or was that just a lie you told Kory because you were too chicken to have outdoor sex?"

"First off, that is something you will never speak of in the presence of my little brothers again," declared Dick as one bloodshot eye looked over the rim of his sunglasses in a glare. "Secondly, you will never tell Kory that I lied to her or I'll give Cheshire the number of every single ex that you have."

"Now that is ruthless," pouted Roy as he sat back in his chair, arms crossed in the same manner a child would. "And you'd be responsible for the harm that comes to those women, especially Donna."

"Donna can definitely take care of herself, Cheshire aside," replied Dick. "I mean it's not like Cheshire can take an Amazonian or some-"

The sentence that Dick was about to finish would remain permanently unfinished as he felt a knife press right into the side of his neck at an angle that would ensure that he would be attempting to scream as he bled out. The sadistic positioning of the blade gave its owner away, more so than any words the person could say. Fear began to creep up into his stomach like a freshly hatched nest of spiders spreading out into the world to feast. He was the fly trapped in the web and the name of the spider that would devour him was Cheshire. That day he was given a grim reminder of just who his best friend's wife was and he immediately agreed to himself that it would be cruel to Roy's ex-girlfriends to give away their existence to Cheshire. It would be like selling flies to spiders.

"Richard," she said, her voice with a tone that promised sadism that would scare the devil," why would I need to test myself on…what was it you said, an Amazonian? Is there something I should know, Richard?"

"Please, I will do anything, just never call my Richard again," said Dick in the manner one would pray to God.

"Baby, Dick's being mean to me," cried Roy as he ran to drape himself into Cheshire's bosom, his face nestling a bit in the valley. "Have your boobs gotten bigger?"

"Now boys, I don't think I need to tell you what this day means to Mistress Talia," she said with her knife still at Dick's throat. "Dick, I do expect an apology to Roy, unless of course you wish to bring your Amazonian to this discussion. Roy, I would need for you to get your testicles on, I'd hate for Lian to think you're her mother. I happen o be quite fond of my motherly position."

"I'm sorry for being mean to you," said Dick. The knife left his throat and all of the tension that Dick had in his life at that moment seemed to float away.

"Apology, accepted, my wife's a badass now give me some sugar baby," he said as he leaned into kiss Cheshire on her lips only to kiss the tip of her knife.

"Now my sweet, perhaps you would like to tell me why you would expect me to kiss you with breathe smelling like a diseased pig carcass?"

"Oh come on babe, it was a bachelor party in Las Vegas, how else would I smell," he replied before being silenced by a bottle of Listerine being shoved in his mouth. The acidic feeling of the mouth wash assaulting the skin of his mouth as an aggressive cleansing began. His cries and pleas for mercy or relief fell upon deaf ears.

"So what happened to the rest of you, you all seem to be in a very…you all look like shit," she said as she continued to force the Listerine into Roy's mouth despite his attempts to disengage. "Dick, my rustling of your vagina seems to have brought you back into the land of the living, Roy is…well besides the smell there's no real change, but why would Tim and Damian be so apart at the same table?"

Dick finally took notice to the fact that Damian and Tim weren't on opposite sides of the table, they were at two completely different tables on the sides farthest from the other.

"Why would I ever need a reason not to be in the presence of Drake," asked Damian as he fidgeted in his seat.

"I suppose so, though it still doesn't explain the smell."

"I swear this urine smell won't come off me thanks to your piss-drunk husband," snarled Damian before he realized what precious information he gave away and who he gave it away to. Cheshire would hold this over his head so long that he'd never see the sun again and she was the one woman not able to bend steel that gave him pause to comment.

"Well, husband dear what do you have to say for your-oh," she said as she realized she was still in the process of drowning him in Listerine. She removed the bottle from his lips and moved his face to the side so that when he spewed out Listerine he would completely miss her. As soon as her hands let go, however, Roy's legs appeared to give out as he started to writhe on the floor from the pain in his mouth. "Lover, please stop being such a pansy and explain to me what you were doing urinating on people. I was certain that if I did have to have this conversation with you it would be about someone of legal age…and female."

"Wait so you expected him to be golden showering people," asked Dick.

"I would like to point out that I was drunk at the time and I did not realize I was facing the shower not the toilet."

"Lover, I know that you would never think of touching another woman without my say so," she said as she brought her lips to his in a loving kiss that seemed out of place with her earlier acts of cruelty. "I also know that you drink a lot and your worst mistakes are made when you drink. This is a flaw of yours that I acknowledge and love despite the trouble it causes because it is just another part of you. This is a day of love. I'm sure all of you would want to avoid seeing what would happen if this day became a day of hate, right?"

Everyone nodded, no questions asked.

She continued, "So naturally I want you all to be on your best behavior and make sure that everything goes right. Of course seeing as how Talia wishes for Dick to be in charge of the younger two and …well I don't think anyone would ask my husband to be in charge of anything, much less Talia, all of that preparation falls to myself and your Batgirls. So if you do anything to mess up today not only will you know the anger of Talia, but you'll also know the anger of every woman in attendance. I assume that the both of you will be on your best behavior and make sure that Jason get's to the altar on time."

"Yes ma'm," was the unanimous reply of all the men.

"Good, now where is Jason, I need to make sure he doesn't look just as shitty and pathetic as you guys," she asked, her eyes looking at the plates set on the table.

"Oh don't worry about him, he's actually getting cleaned up for the big day, we just decided to come down for breakfast," replied Roy as he tried his best to fool his wife who would most likely do terrible things to him if she knew he was lying. This was not his best idea.

"Alright, just make sure he gets there on time," said Cheshire as she traced a finger threateningly and seductively along Roy's Adam's apple.

"We need to find Jason right now," said Roy the second Cheshire was out of ear shot and line of sight. "Does anyone have any leads or possible ideas?"

"Let's try backtracking last night, see if we might have left him anywhere," replied Dick as he set down enough money for a tip and requested for the valet to bring his car to the front. "Right now time is not on our hands so we need to keep focused and make sure not to leave any traces."

"Dick I think that's going to be impossible," said Roy as he pointed at the valet pulling up to the front.

"Your car Batman," said the valet as he held out the keys to the Batmobile that was sitting in the front of the hotel lobby, in broad daylight.

"So should we just kill ourselves now to escape the horrible fates that await all of us," asked Roy and Dick was trying to find reasons to disagree.

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><p>Author's note: This chapter took so long to get out that I probably gave people the impression that I was dead or had completely moved on. Life just sometimes gives you lemons and not the kind that get a story rated M. Either way this chapter is out and to the person who PM'ed me asking if I was continuing, I felt it was better to just release a new chapter in answer. Bit of a behind the scenes thing this chapter was written in 5 days after finding that the original was lost by data corruption. Hopefully the next one is a lot sooner and longer. I do hope this is still entertaining. What JasonX? pairing would you like to see me do? Please read and review and let me know.<p> 


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